Some babies can’t wait. They have to get out now and are born pre-mature. Other babies wait too long and don’t want to come out. They have to be pulled out. And then some babies never get the opportunity to wait. They are born still-born.
Whether these are actual experiences and if they effect the personality, I am unsure. But there is something about waiting.
He is a stockbroker. His problem is that he waits too long. He can’t “pull the trigger” and sell the stock.
He is an abuser. His problem is that he can’t wait at all. He can’t allow experiences to build and impact him. He needs to control life and attempts to do so via action. He is continually in motion.
I imagine that there is a tension between waiting and doing. Either can be a defense against the other. One waits too long to avoid acting or one acts to avoid waiting. But in my experience it is waiting that is more problematic.
Patients, most patients, eventually look at me and ask “What do I do?” When I respond with “Why do you have to do anything, why not just wait?”, they are usually unsatisfied with this solution.
Of course then they ask, “Wait for what?” This is the question. And the answer may hold the key to why waiting is such torture.
On my good days in the consulting room I can wait. Wait for something to emerge without the need to control the experience. I guess on those days I have faith. Faith that if I can tolerate waiting and not knowing an experience will emerge from some unknown place. Unknown to both myself and the patient. I imagine that this unknown “truth” has been waiting for the patient to arrive. If only I can stay out of the way and wait.
Beginning patients often ask “Where do I start?”, or immediately sit down and recite their list of what they think they came to talk about. Other, more seasoned patients make lists to bring in what they want to discuss. And others rehearse mentally on their way to the session. There are many ways to avoid waiting for the truth to emerge.
Recently a patient who had been to many other therapists discussed stopping treatment. They said that they had told me all they had to say-their story. They said that “there would be nothing to talk about”. We continued therapy and we stumbled across a long-buried truth that had been waiting for them to arrive. The patient said “Now I understand what therapy is about”.
The problem for both myself and the patient is waiting.
If one or both of us can wait, then who knows what we can discover? A baby born too soon, too late, not at all, or perhaps the truth that has been waiting for us all along.
Dr. Brody