I am sitting in the witness box and the judge asks the clerk to swear me in. The clerk asks me to raise my right hand and swear that I will speak “the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth”. Of course I know this is a lie on many levels. Once words are spoken the truth becomes a lie.
Besides, the court system is not capable of determining “the truth”, whatever that maybe. In some ways the court system mimics the human mind, I think. Neither are designed or possibly capable of experiencing the truth. Instead, the court system and the human mind produce substitutes, facsimilies for the truth–lies. We appear to be more comfortable with the substitute than the genuine.
As my father, an attorney, advised me from an early age, “If you are looking for truth or justice do not step foot inside a court of law”.
Of course in the consulting room truth and lies abound. Here are a few examples.
He has been referred by the court system because of domestic violence. He sits down and asks if I mind that he is carrying his 9 millimeter with him. I tell him my rule, no handguns in the office–his or mine. After the first visit, I learn that his wife has moved to the batterred woman’s shelter, and he is arrested outside the shelter. The police find a trunkful of dynamite that he was going to use to blow up the shelter. Months later I see the couple in the supermarket. They are holding hands, exchanging kisses, like people in love often do. I wonder about the glue that holds them together. Is it made up of lies or the truth?
Another couple comes to therapy because they complain of a vague sense of dissatisfaction with the marital relationship. Both are professional, educated and polite. They describe a feeling of drifiting apart after the excitement of building careers and raising kids. They also tell me that they never fight or argue. I begin to wonder how that can be without doing violence to the partners and killing the relationship? Where is their anger and hate? What lies/substitutes have they had to create to avoid a fight? At least the domestic violence couple could relate through their anger and hate.
I begin to wonder how much truth and how much lies can a relationship stand/need? It is probably a mixture of the two, some can tolerate more truth, some need more lies. But there does seem to be a point at which the relationship either explodes and or implodes and becomes deadly or dead. Is it too much truth or too many lies?
I often think we all use our relationships to hide from the truth. This is probably one of the most reliable means of killing ourselves, our partners and our relationships. We all commit such varied acts of violence against ourselves and others to avoid the truth. It is amazing sometimes that we can come back.
Dr. Brody